Lotus, the Kawaii Ninja
by Tainted Griffin
Summary: A crackfic consisting of one Mary-Sue, one giant alien robot, one pink monster, and three tortured ninjas. Slight Transformer crossover, no true pairings, major cursing warning. Co-authored with Fatal Whispher


Fatal Whisper and I do not own Naruto or Transformers. I am almost sorry to say that we do own Lotus.

Lotus Rainne Sarisa Lolita was a sixteen year old ninja who was absolutely perfect. She had hair the color of cranberries, eyes the color of a rainbow, and an almost inhumanly looking hourglass figure. She had more chakra than her beautiful body could possibly hold and her techniques were flawless. Yes, she was just perfect and now she was out on a quest…to kill the Akatsuki. How that will work is beyond any comprehension, but, as they (she) says: 'Lotus knows best!'

Lotus walked down a country road. She was wearing a lace corset with a short skirt which barely reached beyond her crotch. Little animals followed in her wake, enchanted by her beauty and the smell of lilies and candy which always lingered around her. Suddenly, she stopped and convulsively turned to the right. Before her stood none other than Itachi Uchiha.

"Itachi!" Lotus cried, her rainbow eyes welling up with golden tears. "How could you do this to me?!!"

Itachi did a double take. He had been minding his own business with Kisame, you know, trying to capture the Kyuubi and find new ways to torture his little brother and this weird ass bitch showed up.

Why did these things always happen to him? He only killed his whole family and tortured the one person he let live.

No matter. Should it turn out to be some crazy claiming to be his long-lost sister he had forgotten to kill, he'd fix that. Honestly, how many 'long-lost sisters' can one person have?

"You and I…that night in the lake skinny dipping and kissing and touching and groping and the kinkiness!" she cried, her voice trembling with emotion. "AND YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THAT SHARK GUY! How could you Itachi! What about our son?!"

"Itachi-san, is there something you need to tell me?" Itachi nearly blew a gasket at that one. Out of all the shit that had happened, this one took the cake.

"I have never seen her before in my life." As usual, Itachi's voice had no emotion, despite the seething anger. "We're leaving. The Kyuubi awaits."

As Itachi turned to leave, an angry shriek escaped Lotus' lips.

"NO! YAMETE! Get back here, you baka!"

Lotus rushed forward with blinding speed, her long hair fanned out behind her. She successfully tackled and then pinioned Itachi to the ground, proceeding to make out with the poor ninja.

"Daisuke, Itachi-san," she mumbled between each kiss.

Kisame stood there shell-shocked. When he realized what was happening, it took him a moment to decide whether to help Itachi or laugh at him. One look at Itachi's Mangekyou let him know what he should do.

Itachi was more than willing to cooperate with Kisame on this. Kisame first tried to use Samahade, but the crazy's overwhelming chakra nearly burst the sword. The shark man looked at in vague horror before exchanging another look with Itachi. He came up with another plan fast.

'Kiss her back,' Kisame mouthed at Itachi. Itachi's look of disgust and horror was his answer, but he repeated himself. After a moment Itachi complied.

He inserted his tongue into her mouth and began to move it back and forth, as if hungrily exploring it. Lotus' mouth tasted of passion fruit, coconuts, and caramel, but Itachi could have cared less. He was too busy wondering how he was going to beat the crap out of Kisame after this slut was done away with.

Lotus' aggressiveness diminished a tad as Itachi's tongue rolled around her mouth fiercely. She was delighted that her Itachi-san was finally going to love her again. Yes, their love would be one renowned through all of history…

Just then, she sensed another presence. It wasn't entirely human…it was…that faggot shark man!

Using her super strength, Lotus heaved Itachi over her head and threw him into the branches of a nearby cherry blossom tree. Not a second later, she whipped out an eleven foot blade from nowhere.

"Come out, you homosexual bastard!" she shouted, lifting the blade above her head. "Now, you'll have to deal with me and my blade, Kumori-Sakura, for the anal penetration of my beloved Itachi-san!"

Itachi and Kisame raised their eyebrows as they exchanged looks.

"So, how long have you been a ninja?" Kisame was subtly trying to back away from the huge ass-sword wielding, crazy girl. Lotus proudly puffed out her chest.

"Since I was three." Kisame and Itachi exchanged another glance.

"Uh-huh. And what makes you think I would want to have sex with Itachi? I already have a fuck-buddy back on base." Lotus' rainbow eyes narrowed. In the cherry tree, Itachi was still trying to breathe.

"LIAR!" she cried to the heavens. In that instant, rain began to pour from the previously clear sky, confusing the already estranged Kisame and Itachi.

Lotus raised Kumori-Sakura over her petite shoulders. She didn't crumble or disembowel herself under its weight, however, but continued her high pitched rant to the unfortunate Kisame.

"You're nothing but a liar! I would know that! I have telempathy in addition to my almost infinite chakra supply, polished techniques, pyrokinesis, time traveling ability, telekinesis, hydrokinesis, AND my super special ultra hyper mega ninja technique which no man could ever behold unless he truly wuly LOVES ME!"

Kisame opened his mouth to respond, but he was at a loss for words. His mind was trying to comprehend whether or not this was some awful nightmare. To his displeasure, he was awake and Lotus continued to flap her perfectly full lips.

"The only men who could possibly survive my special ultra hyper mega ninja technique would be Gaara, Neji, Naruto, Kakashi, and my lover and father of my child, Itachi-san!"

"So, I must destroy all of the Akatsuki, you see…because you all are nothing but obstacles between me and my truest love!"

Kisame had no clue how to effectively respond to the amount of bull shit spewing from this girl's mouth, but he knew she had to be silenced before he went insane. He inched forward slightly, wary of the still raised Kumori-Sakura.

Itachi, meanwhile, was sorely confused. He knew he hadn't gotten her pregnant; he hadn't had sex yet. There were just too many fangirls to risk it.

The question was, who had father her child if it wasn't him? He thought about it for a moment and only one answer presented itself. Orochimaru.

Orochimaru had long black hair as well and white skin. The girl was certainly stupid enough to fall for it.

As he cringed at the mere thought of Orochimaru reproducing, a loud clang wrenched Itachi from his musings. He glanced down at the ground below and saw Lotus' foot connect with Kisame's chest, knocking him backward.

It was with horror that Kisame realized the true power of the crazy: the power to distract and to disgust a person to no end. He also figured she was insane on more than one account. If she could read minds, this problem would have been over before it started.

And, really, Itachi and true love? Wasn't happening. Not now, not ever. Many had died in the attempt, but none had succeeded in claiming Itachi as their true love. He pitied the girl who won him. Except this girl, who made him pity Itachi, strangely enough.

Kisame dodged a strike from the Kumori-Sakura, but was immediately tackled from behind by…a multi-colored lion cub with sparkles all over its fur?

"Kokoro-kami chan!" cheered Lotus. Kisame attempted to kick the pathetic creature off, but it…was so cute…he just couldn't bear to hurt such an adorable…Wait, adorable? What the hell was going on?!

Lotus let out an evil laugh. "Ha! You have fallen prey to my Kawaii Neko no Jutsu! No one can resist such diabetes-inducing sweetness!"

She immediately turned to Itachi, who was still in the sakura tree. "Don't you remember our song, Itachi-san? The one you sang to me in the silver moonlight which made little reflections in my cranberry tresses which you compared to the silk of Deidara's undergarments?"

Kisame turned to Itachi.

"How would you know about Deidara's underwear?"

"I don't."

"Ah."

"Kisame, we must work together to kill her. We're going to have to sacrifice our manly pride and act like those weak Konoha Genin." Kisame's face as the epitome of horror.

"No, you can't mean-"

"Yes, we must."

"_I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! I WANT YOU TO SHOOOOOOOOOOOOW MEEEE!"_ Lotus sang with a voice which could put Celine Dion to shame.

Her singing ceased abruptly, however, one Kokoro-kami was thrown up into the sakura tree where Itachi had previously been.

"Kya?!" Lotus exclaimed, quickly turning towards the two Akatsuki members. "Itachi-san?! What is the meaning of this!?"

Itachi wasn't planning on answering. But if he had, there wasn't any point. For a miraculous thing had happened.

A giant alien robot randomly appeared out of nowhere. It was purple and had a strange face-like symbol on it. Its red eyes glared at the two Akatsuki members before looking down at its feet, a disgusted look on its face.

"Frag, what the Pit did I step in now?" The robot looked at the bottom of its foot where the remains of Lotus was. "I fragging _hate_ these sorts of planets! I tell them I don't want to go, I'll go to any other planet, but _noo_! 'Let's make Skywarp suffer and send him to Pit-slagged planets'!"

Itachi and Kisame exchanged looks, unsure of whether to run or bow down.

"This is going to take _forever_ to clean off! And red clashes with my paint job, too! When I get back to base, that slagging medic is going to be busy!" The robot then noticed the two humans. "Bow down before me!"

Itachi and Kisame exchanged another look before turning to the robot and bowing down. The robot looked surprised.

"Maybe I'll like this planet after all!"

As the two ninja walked away and the robot continued to rant about his injustices, a lone figure peered between the branches of the sakura tree. It was none other Sasuke Uchiha, Itachi's less hot and very gay brother.

"Damn it!" he shouted, slamming his fist against the tree. "Curses! Foiled again! Why am I the only one who has to suffer?!"

"SASUKE!" called an all too familiar voice from the nearby woods. A much loathed pink-haired ninja appeared from the woods, about two yards away from the stained foot of the alien robot.

"SASUKE! SASUKESASUKE!" she cried in a voice that not even a mass murder deserved to suffer from.

Sasuke shuddered before quickly coming up with a plan to save himself. Acting quickly, he threw himself at the robot's feet. He knew this would destroy his pride and ego, but that was better than his virginity. He hadn't forgotten the last close call with Sakura.

"Save me, Mighty One, and I will serve you!" he sobbed as he threw himself down at the robot's feet.

"SASUKE!" Sakura's voice was closer than before. The robot looked down at Sasuke in surprise.

"You're a fool. If I had a femme chasing me like that, I would be the happiest mech on the Nemesis." His opinion changed as soon as Sakura burst out into view. "Never mind. I'll save you if you obey my orders and serve only me."

"Agreed!" The robot smirked, quite a feat for a mechanical being, and transformed his clawed hands into huge-ass plasma cannons.

"As the fleshlings say: adios!" The plasma cannons fired and all that was left of the pink monstrosity was a crater in the abused earth. "My first order is you find me a place I can set up a base. Then I want you to find a source of energon, I'll explain what to look for later. And then I want you to…"

He went on and on and Sasuke nearly cried. Yes, he had his soul and virginity, but now he was selling his soul and body! Still, Sakura was worse. After all, nothing could be worse than her.

And the birds sang and everyone…Well, let's face it. No one cares. Go do something productive.

THE END


End file.
